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Games: (MOVED) Join Me In A Laugh

Created by: dubyabee

8/3/09 @ 12:25am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Path to Pearly Gates on Fantasy Island
Posts: 2,504

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I wish I could say that i made this up, but it allegedly is a true story:

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

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Created by: old_rocker

8/3/09 @ 1:03pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Created by: g-mann

8/3/09 @ 3:51pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place.

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

Oprah says,"Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

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Created by: g-mann

8/3/09 @ 3:52pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come f**k me voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear."

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Created by: old_rocker

8/3/09 @ 10:25pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blowjob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free," she says.

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you're going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

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Created by: loungelizard

8/3/09 @ 11:15pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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A new young salesman was out in farm country for the first time trying to sell his company's latest brand of insect repellant.

He had been told the people in this area were a hard sell, but was promised a big bonus if he could make his sales quota for the month.

He greeted the first farmer and explained how well his company's new product worked. Since he knew mosquitos had been unusually bad this year, he tried to convince the man it would be worthwhile to use the repellant not only for his family members, but for his livestock as well.

The farmer was unconvinced, having been taken by more than one fast talking salesman.

So the young salesman came up with a plan which he proposed to the cautious farmer.

"I'll strip down naked, and spray myself with my insect repellant," said the salesman, "and you can tie me to that post you've got out there in your pasture. Leave me there all night, and come back in the morning. I guarantee you, I won't have a single insect bite, and if I don't, you'll buy enough of my repellant to last your family and all your livestock for the summer. But if I have a single bite, I'll give you all the insect repellant you need for free."

Well, the farmer couldn't pass up a deal like that, and he was awful tired of fighting all the insects anyway, so he said, "You've got a deal there, son."

The farmer invited the young salesman in for dinner, and spent the rest of the evening talking. As darkness approached, they went out to the post in his pasture, where the young man stripped down and doused himself in the insect repellant. The farmer tied him securely to the post, wished him well, and left him there for the night.

Around 5 AM the next morning the farmer went back out to see how the naive young salesman had fared.

He found him still tied to the post, but slumped over and appearing almost lifeless. The farmer roused him and immediately noticed his bloodshot, weary eyes.

"I knew it," the farmer said, "you had a helluva night fighting off all them bugs, didn't you?"

The exhausted salesman looked up and slowly spoke. "No, no," he said, "the insect repellant I had on worked just fine, no problems with bugs at all...

"But doesn't that damn calf have a mother??"

Quote

Created by: Carla Lopez

8/3/09 @ 11:37pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place.
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Oprah says,"Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

That was kinda funny,,but some may find it a bit racist...

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Created by: g-mann

8/4/09 @ 3:44am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

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Created by: Kamilaa

8/5/09 @ 5:36am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Men's Thesaurus

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
:orglaugh

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
:orglaugh

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
:orglaugh

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

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Created by: suggs

8/5/09 @ 5:41am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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Here is the basic rules for impresing the opposite sex

How to impress a women

Compliment her, respect her, honour her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man

Show up naked, bring food, and do not stand in front of tv

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Created by: old_rocker

8/5/09 @ 11:13am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Where do you find a dog with no legs.

Where you left it.

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Created by: suggs

8/8/09 @ 12:58pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

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Created by: g-mann

8/9/09 @ 8:04am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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A large family were going to have Thanks Giving dinner togther.

The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.

They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.

The next morning, Little Tommy came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."

Then Little Sally came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."

Then Big Shaun came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"

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Created by: d9itl8r

8/9/09 @ 9:53am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143

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My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

This is fucking hilarious !!! :thumbsup

I laugh my ass off everytime I read it :orglaugh

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Created by: loungelizard

8/11/09 @ 1:18am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers

Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important..

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

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Created by: old_rocker

8/11/09 @ 5:13am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Created by: g-mann

8/11/09 @ 6:32am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?"

She says, "Don't even go there. The way that fuckin' party went, you're lucky you don't bark."

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Created by: g-mann

9/17/09 @ 4:56am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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"According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind." -- Conan O'Brien

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Created by: g-mann

9/17/09 @ 5:41am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN THE OFFICE

* I need to whip it out by 5:00.

* Mind if I use your laptop?

* Just stick it in my box.

* If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

* I want it on my desk NOW!

* HHMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.

* My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

* It's an entry level position.

* When do you think you'll be getting off today?

* It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.

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Created by: suggs

9/17/09 @ 12:23pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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I was a scarecrow havingg a wank yesterday,
What a waste of time I thought to myself - He's only clutching at straws.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sex is like Paint Balling, You play for 30 mins,get all hot and sweaty, and when its over your glad its not you who got shot in the face.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Girl says to her b/f - "you make love like you decorate"
He replies - 'What.. Slow with smooth strokes and a professional finish?'
'No' she replies ' more like the council - U just bang it up, leave a mess and I have to finish the fucking job myself'

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I wa s 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat !

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
** This one may not be understood bu all but the Brits on here will know who I mean **

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun?

That's Katie Price.

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