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Games: (MOVED) Join Me In A Laugh

Created by: suggs

8/9/11 @ 2:24pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
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No Wonder I'm Tired

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a damm thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading jokes.

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!

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Created by: suggs

8/20/11 @ 5:48am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
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My wife of 20 years confessed she had made a porn video before we were married.
After insisting that we watch it, I said "Why did you pull such strange faces?"

She replied "That's what happens when I cum....

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Created by: lickau

8/21/11 @ 8:53pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

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Created by: suggs

8/23/11 @ 12:02pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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Chemical Additions
The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements:

Element name: woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Element name: man

Symbol: XY Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.

Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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Created by: suggs

11/13/11 @ 3:17pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood & Jason Statham were sitting around a camp fire discussing who was the toughest.

Eastwood says, "I killed a bear with my bare hands".
Statham says, "I wrestled 2 adult croc's, gouged their eyes out & killed them both".
Chuck Norris just sat there said nothing & continued poking the fire with his cock.

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Created by: suggs

11/18/11 @ 4:50pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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LIFE
Summary of Life:

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CH1LDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver�s license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked. wah-hoo!

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Created by: lickau

11/19/11 @ 12:40pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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Created by: lickau

11/19/11 @ 9:11pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from
head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in a
huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be
ok, you'll walk and talk again, but your penis
was severed in the accident and we couldn't find
it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You
have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and
we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's
roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many
inches you want. But I understand that you have
been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If
you had a five incher before and get a nine
incher now she might be a bit put out. If you
had a nine incher before and you decide to only
invest in a five incher now, she might be
disappointed. It's important that she plays a
role in helping you make a decision." The man
agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have
you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says
the man. "And has she helped you make a
decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your
decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

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Created by: suggs

12/2/11 @ 3:53pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballa and 1 without"

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Created by: suggs

12/3/11 @ 5:16am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers:
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your
trays, that would be super"

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I
asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up bitch."

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Created by: lickau

12/3/11 @ 7:16am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Season to add some Christmas jokes too :party

Santa Hates Your Kid

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

:orglaugh

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Created by: lickau

12/4/11 @ 4:11pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Santa's Bad Day

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Original Bad Santa with AxeWhen he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

:party

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Created by: suggs

12/9/11 @ 12:28pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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A penis turns and says to his balls, 'Right lads, get ready and I'll take you to a party!'

The balls reply 'you fucking liar, you always go inside and leave us outside banging on the backdoor.'

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Created by: lickau

12/14/11 @ 2:19pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Assorted X-mas One-Liners

A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any kids ???
A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...

Why is Santa Claus always so happy?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
:party

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Created by: lickau

12/15/11 @ 11:57am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!

7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

:party

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Created by: suggs

12/23/11 @ 2:15pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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A woman sends her boyfriend the following message:

"If you�re sleeping, send me your dreams
If you�re smiling, send me your smile
If you�re crying, send me your tears
I love you"

He Replies:

"I�m having a shit what do I send?"

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Created by: lickau

12/24/11 @ 1:13pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

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Created by: .jeffie.

1/20/12 @ 9:41am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Brisbane, Australia

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four y0ung mothers and their small ch!ldren.

'You all have obsessions' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let�s pick Willy up from school and go home.'

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Created by: lickau

1/20/12 @ 10:04pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

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Created by: .jeffie.

1/24/12 @ 11:13am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Brisbane, Australia

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Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling wrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

Guy goes into the doctor�s. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my ass'. Doc says 'How's that?'

A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, �Well don't go there any more.�

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. The kayak caught fire, burned and sank, thus proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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