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Games: (MOVED) Join Me In A Laugh

Created by: lordprimus

12/14/09 @ 11:58am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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"The 50th Anniversary"

An elderly couple decide to

celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their

honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in

the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next

morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the

nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty

years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which

he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging

in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/15/09 @ 11:15am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

Quote

Created by: mydyingbride

12/15/09 @ 11:43am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 181

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Does Santa really exist?

- No-one has ever seen a flying reindeer, possibly with the exception of Santa, his wife, and lots of Elves.

- There are 300 million children who believe in him worldwide, a minimum of 100 million homes.

- Taking a clever use of time zones into account, Santa has only 31 hours to make his deliveries

- That means he has to visit 896 homes every second

- This also means he has to travel at a speed of 2.34 million miles an hour

- At an average toy weight of 2lbs, the sleigh would have to weigh over 321,000 tonnes

- Even if Santa�s flying reindeers were ten times stronger than ordinary ones, that would require 214,000 of them to pull the sleigh

- 353,000 tonnes (reindeer weight included) travelling at 650 miles per second would cause enormous friction in the atmosphere, and Santa, his sleigh, and all the reindeers would instantly burn to death.

This calculation does not even include the time he needs to land the sleigh, climb down the chimney, unload gifts, eat cookies, drink milk, climb up the chimney again, and take off.

So if Santa really would have existed, he would be death by now.

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/16/09 @ 11:38am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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A Man And His Money

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/17/09 @ 1:10pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Seeing eye dogs

Two men are walking their dogs and come to a bar. Unfortunately, the sign on the bar says, NO DOGS ALLOWED. So the one man says to the other man, "It's okay. We'll just pretend they are seeing eye dogs." So the first man walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Can't you read? No dogs allowed." The man says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender asks, "They are using Rotweilers for seeing eye dogs now?" The first man says yes and goes on into the bar. The second man walks into the bar. The bartender goes, "Can't you read? No dogs are allowed." The second man says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender asks, incredulous, "They are using Chihuahuas now?" The second replies, "WHAT? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?"

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/18/09 @ 12:14pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Shit hits the fan

A man walks into a bar. "Gimme a double, before the shit hits the fan." A few minutes later, same thing. "Gimme a beer before the shit hits the fan." This goes on for an hour or so. Finally the Bartender goes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink." "Oops, the shit just hit the fan." He replied.

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Created by: lordprimus

12/19/09 @ 10:00am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Shy guy in bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

Quote

Created by: d9itl8r

12/19/09 @ 5:25pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143

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"Old Pilot"

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to heck!

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

:helpme

Quote

Created by: lickau

12/19/09 @ 6:00pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Girls Night Out!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
> If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
> humour.
>
> The other night I was invited out for a night with the ' girls. ' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ' I promise! '
> Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily..
> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
>
> Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
> Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
>
> I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
> Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
>
> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
> I told him ' MIDNIGHT ' ... he didn't ' t seem pissed off in the least.
>
> Whew, I got away with that one!
>
> Then he said ' We need a new cuckoo clock. '
>
> When I asked him why, he said, ' Well, last night our clock cuckooed
> three times, then said ' oh shit. ' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
> throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
> then tripped over the coffee table and farted

Quote

Created by: Doritha

12/19/09 @ 7:28pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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People asked radio Erevan : what's the best contaceptive for women?
The radio: Aspirin!
But how?
The radio: Very easy the woman put the pill between knees and hold it not to fall on ground!

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/20/09 @ 1:02pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Superman

This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor. He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk. He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up." The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window. "Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top. "How did you do that?" "Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?" "Alright, get out of the way! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" SPLAT The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/21/09 @ 10:28am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Psychiatrist's Problems

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems."

The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other
three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I
frequently seduce my female patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my
patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret."

Quote

Created by: d9itl8r

12/22/09 @ 9:59am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143

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True Irish Ghost Story......

This happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like a Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night....

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.. scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touches or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so , gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... " Look Paddy... there's that freaking idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it."

:drinkup

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/22/09 @ 1:17pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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The bad and the worse news

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Man: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/23/09 @ 10:30am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Try Mud Baths

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have

some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted

with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking

daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not . . . but at least you'll get used to being

covered in dirt!"

Quote

Created by: skullfuck

12/23/09 @ 11:52am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: in your heart and soul
Posts: 201

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Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog.
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,
and she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas mornin,'
at the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa.
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(Send them back)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table.
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
that would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Sing it Grandpa)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Merry Christmas

Quote

Created by: suggs

12/23/09 @ 12:45pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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Final posting before xmas for me.

Christmas Song by Kevin Wilson

Hey Santa claus you cunt!

Where's me fucking bike?

I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.

I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice

Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.

If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.

And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!

You've stuffed me bloody order up

It's enough to make you spew

And I'm not the only one who's snakey

Me sisters dirty too!

(female voice)
Hey santa clause you cunt!

Where's me fucking pram?

You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.

'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand

I'll give you fucking ho ho ho

You forgot me fucking pram

(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts

And I'll let your fucking reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!

You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store

And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door

And we'll say, yeah you wait for it

Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes

And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies

He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright

'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.

You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in

Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out

"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/24/09 @ 8:17pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

12/25/09 @ 10:39am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Quote

Created by: old_rocker

12/25/09 @ 5:46pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

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