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Created by: lordprimus

11/11/09 @ 11:58am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Murder at Sobey's

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name "Artie".

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he couldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect on his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front.

The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as a down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Sobey's grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Sobey's"

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Created by: g-mann

11/11/09 @ 9:12pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786

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The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Quote

Created by: lickau

11/12/09 @ 8:07am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Yesterday was Veteran Day in United States - so I am in that theme :thumbsup

GOD Is Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!! !
A United States Marine was attending some college
courses between assignments. He had completed missions
in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor
who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real
then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly
15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am
GOD, I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What
in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting
American & Canadian soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'

The classroom erupted in cheers!

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Created by: lordprimus

11/12/09 @ 11:54am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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The Doctor's Visit

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.

"Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups"

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Created by: hfactor_

11/12/09 @ 3:51pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Hanging with the Princess
Posts: 1,102

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Knock Knock

Who's there?

Joe And Angie

Joe And Angie Who?

Joemama Angiedaddy

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Created by: lordprimus

11/13/09 @ 11:33am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

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Created by: lordprimus

11/14/09 @ 9:49am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Free Sex With Fill-Up

A gas station was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."

Soon a guy pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex.

The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex.

The guy says, "8"

The gas attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same guy, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number.

The guy says, "4"

The gas attendent says, "Sorry,it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the guy says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replies,"No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

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Created by: lordprimus

11/15/09 @ 12:15pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Pope and The Chauffeur

The Pope had just finished a tour and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbed into the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope hopped on the highway and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He got up to about 95 miles per hour when he saw the flashing blue lights of a police car in his mirror. He pulled over and the officer came to his window.

Stunned, the officer said, "Just a moment, your Eminence, I need to call in to the station!" The officer radioed in and asked for the chief.

"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

"Who is it? The mayor?" asked the chief.

"No sir, even more important than that," replied the officer.

"Is it the Premier?"

"No sir. It's someone more important than the Premier."

"What the hell did you do, pull over the PM?"

"No sir, it's not the PM," the officer replied.

"THEN WHO THE HELL IS IT?" screamed the chief.

"Well Sir, I don't exactly know," said the officer, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!"

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Created by: d9itl8r

11/15/09 @ 5:08pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143

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SWINE FLU ... getting concerned

SWINE FLU CONCERN ...

I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern:

3 years ago, . . . Chinese calendar year of the cow.....Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, . . . Chinese calendar year of the bird.....Avian flu.
This year, . . . Chinese calendar year of the pig.... Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock .........Anybody else worried?

:orglaugh

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Created by: lordprimus

11/16/09 @ 10:18am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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A priest went golfing with a nun as his caddie. He is on the 3rd
hole and he's 4 inches from the hole, but he missed. He
mumbles,"F*cking sh*t I missed!"

The nun gasps and says,"Watch your language!!"

The priest goes to the 4th hole, he's 3 inches, but he missed! He
said,"F*cking sh*t I missed!!"

The nun gasps and says," The Lord will get you if you aren't
careful!!"

The priest goes to the 5th hole and is 2 inches from the hole, but
misses!!

He screams," F*CKING SH*T I MISSED!!"

Then a big bolt of lightning comes down and hit's the priest and
kills him.

Then a big voice comes from Heaven that says,"Fucking shit I
missed!!!"

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Created by: lordprimus

11/17/09 @ 10:50am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a police officier for speeding, and the officier started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable. Finally, the officier got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said," Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The officier stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The officier says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The officier says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.

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Created by: Joi Taylor

11/17/09 @ 1:03pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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L M F A O

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Created by: Joi Taylor

11/17/09 @ 1:04pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Love it!

Suggs, why do u look like a 90's rock star in your pic? ;)

Kiss, hugs & rug burns,

Joi

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Created by: Joi Taylor

11/17/09 @ 1:04pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Good one!!!!

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Created by: suggs

11/17/09 @ 2:16pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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There's a new craze in yorkshire pubs. Girls are putting vodka jelly up their fannys and having blokes suck it out with straws.
Police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of minge drinking.

Suggs, why do u look like a 90's rock star in your pic? ;)

Joi

It's actually a pic of Bill Hicks a comedy genius.

Quote

Created by: Joi Taylor

11/18/09 @ 1:01am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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It's actually a pic of Bill Hicks a comedy genius.

Is that right? I'ma look him up.

And now, no matter what - you will forever look like him, in my head.

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Created by: skullfuck

11/18/09 @ 1:20am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: in your heart and soul
Posts: 201

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15 year old comes downstairs wearing his best suit and carrying a torch
dad asks where are you going dressed like that with a torch
boy replies i an going courting
dad then tells the boy how he used to go out courting but without a torch
the boy replied yeah and look what you fucking ended up with

mum
yes dear
what's a cock
oh its the dangly bit between a mans legs
mum
yes dear
what is a c**t
the rest of him

scientists have found that many women develope dysons disease
after a year of marriage
they make a continuous fucking whining noise and thee sucking stops

by far the best engine in the world is a pussy
it pulls anything
it takes any size of piston
it is self lubricating
it starts with 1 finger
every 4 weeks it does its own oil change
it just a pity the managment system is so fucking tempremental

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Created by: lordprimus

11/18/09 @ 1:02pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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Nine Inches

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read:"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets and 9 inches in your pants."
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 3 inches! Send the bottle back."

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Created by: suggs

11/18/09 @ 1:27pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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Is that right? I'ma look him up.

And now, no matter what - you will forever look like him, in my head.

I advise you to check youtube for 'Bill Hicks Goatboy'
:thumbsup

** and as for what I look like --- check out the 'Fuck, Marry, Murder thread - page 44 post #862 **

Quote

Created by: lordprimus

11/19/09 @ 10:35am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Canada

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A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he�s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we�re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I�m starting to miss you and we�re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation�s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back an accordion with a note reading, "Why don�t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and the sailor rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can�t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let�s see how well you play that accordion."

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